I've spent a lot of time mulling recently.
After Ant was born I was lucky enough that my boss/company let me work part time, three days a week, until he was about 18 months old. Which meant that between my mom and my in-laws babysitting, we didn't have to put him in daycare until he was about 15 months.
I transitioned back to fulltime in May of last year, which went reasonably well. Ant was still in daycare two days a week, then my mom babysat one other day, and my in-laws the other two. It was nice to get fulltime pay for my recent maternity leave, and I had found that just before I returned to full time that the part time position was getting really stressful because I constantly felt like there were things that I wasn't getting done. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep because I was thinking 'I have to do X, email Y, call Z..."
I didn't want to return to fulltime immediately after my maternity leave with Timmy; not wanting to put him in daycare that young, and also, I quite enjoyed the time I spent with the two boys while I was off. So, I had quite a few vacation days racked up, and used those (plus the holidays) to work just three days a week. Those vacation days would be all used up as of 2/13, so we were getting to decision time.
I realized pretty quickly that I did not want to go back to fulltime. So, I let my boss know that last week. (It felt really good to tell her; I do not like secrets, and felt very guilty for knowing that I didn't want to go back to fulltime but not letting her know). She said that she would see if we could come up with a semi-permanent full time position, that she would talk to the higher ups and get back to me this week.
Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I was really hoping that they would say no to part time. Which really gave me my answer as to what I wanted to do.
So, I gave my notice on Wednesday!
***********************************
I wrote that first part about a week ago... I'm finding time to post (or computer time in general) quite lacking what with trying to wrap things up at work, the kids on a completely alternating nap schedule, and weekends full with hockey, playdates, and other activities.
My last day at work is going to be 3/6.
My boss asked me for a list of people I'd like to come to my going away party. I've been at the company for over fifteen years excluding my grad school hiatus, so I know quite a few people. But I'm finding that I'm very ambivalent about inviting lots of people because in a way I'm embarassed that I'm leaving to be a stay at home mom. It's so not the done thing in my field. I find that my expectation is that people will think less of me because of it. Which is really stupid; everyone that I've told so far has been amazingly supportive of my decision, way more so than I ever expected.
I think that those feelings are partly because although I've made and am happy with my decision, I feel in some ways that it's a waste of all my education and purported potential. I finished college in three years, have a PhD from a prestigious university, everyone around me seems to think I'm a very valuable worker and that I'll do great things, and here I am leaving it all behind (although not necessarily for the long term). And then there's the other part of me that has thought for a long time that I've somehow just managed to fool everyone all these years. And now I'm losing track of my point so I'm just going to post this and get some elusive sleep.
Showing posts with label Mom notes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom notes. Show all posts
Friday, February 6, 2009
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
You know you're sleep deprived when...
you're nursing your son and notice a bandaid on your arm. You think to yourself, "I wonder where that came from?"
"Maybe Ant was playing with a bandaid in our bed and it got stuck to me?"
Only to realize about fifteen minutes later, "OH YEAH, I got the flu shot yesterday".
Particularly amusing when you are unable to sleep on that side because the arm is so tender.
"Maybe Ant was playing with a bandaid in our bed and it got stuck to me?"
Only to realize about fifteen minutes later, "OH YEAH, I got the flu shot yesterday".
Particularly amusing when you are unable to sleep on that side because the arm is so tender.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
sleep, sleep, glorious sleep
Last night I was so tired I was having trouble keeping my eyes open as I trawled the aisles of the grocery store. I had to go to pick up a couple of prescriptions - I'm still bleeding a bit at 7 weeks post partum, and when I went for my check up yesterday it was quite painful when the doc checked my ute, so she thinks I have a minor infection. Off topic, sorry.
When I got home, I told Mark that I was going to go to bed ASAP. So I pumped at 9:45 (which was already over 3 hours since Timmy last ate), and was in bed by 10:10. I didn't get woken up by the little mister wanting to feed until.... FIVE TWENTY EIGHT!!! 7.5 hours of solid, unbroken sleep. Pure heaven if you ask me. This is in contrast to the 5-6 hours of sleep in 2-3 blocks that I have been getting for the last 7 weeks. Mark had fed him a bottle at 12:15am, but still, that's a 6 hour stretch and a 5 hour stretch between feedings, which is fantastic!
I'm *not* expecting this to happen again any time soon, but boy does it make me feel more like a human being!
When I got home, I told Mark that I was going to go to bed ASAP. So I pumped at 9:45 (which was already over 3 hours since Timmy last ate), and was in bed by 10:10. I didn't get woken up by the little mister wanting to feed until.... FIVE TWENTY EIGHT!!! 7.5 hours of solid, unbroken sleep. Pure heaven if you ask me. This is in contrast to the 5-6 hours of sleep in 2-3 blocks that I have been getting for the last 7 weeks. Mark had fed him a bottle at 12:15am, but still, that's a 6 hour stretch and a 5 hour stretch between feedings, which is fantastic!
I'm *not* expecting this to happen again any time soon, but boy does it make me feel more like a human being!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Momma's new do!
I followed fellow blogger Katie's lead, and decided to cut off my tresses and donate them. I'd been thinking about doing this for a while, and Timmy grabbing onto my ponytail as I was nursing was the final impetus.
So.....Before:
And after:
It was such a strange feeling having all that hair cut off, but I didn't feel as bad about it as I thought I might. The only thing that gave me pause is that Ant loves holding onto my ponytail, "holding mommy's pony!", and it actually helps calm him down sometimes. But it was time for a haircut, and it will grow again. And I get to help a worthy cause!
So.....Before:
And after:
It was such a strange feeling having all that hair cut off, but I didn't feel as bad about it as I thought I might. The only thing that gave me pause is that Ant loves holding onto my ponytail, "holding mommy's pony!", and it actually helps calm him down sometimes. But it was time for a haircut, and it will grow again. And I get to help a worthy cause!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
It's the end of the world as we know it!
I, a self-proclaimed anti-vegetarian (my diet, not against people who are vegetarians!!), have eaten three *salads* in the last few month or so!!!
As a child, I absolutely refused all fruits and vegetables, to the point where I would eat pasta with butter rather than have it tainted by pasta sauce, and would eat only white pizza.
Midway through high school I finally tried pizza, and actually liked it - and that was the beginning of a slippery slope towards omnivoriciousness. I gradually added more and more veggies to my repertoire (another big step was the first time I ate broccoli when my mom cooked some after college). I did try a salad once or twice, but really couldn't stand the way I felt I had to chew the lettuce for about half an hour before I could convince it to go down my gullet.
A few weeks ago at a charity dinner hosted by my sister (the kind where a chef comes into your house to prepare a meal), I declined the salad as per my usual procedure. However, when they arrived, Mark's salad actually looked pretty good, so I asked if I could try it. To my utter astonishment, it was actually fabulous! Baby greens with candied walnuts and pine nuts, some kind of cheese I don't remember, and a champagne vinaigrette. Nothing at all like what I always thought a salad was - the romaine lettuce et al. I was no longer a salad virgin!!!
Then this past weekend at a wedding, I did NOT decline the salad, and once again thoroughly enjoyed it.
The piece de resistance? I went shopping a couple of days ago and bought some baby greens, feta cheese and greek vinaigrette. And today, when we had some people over for dinner, made my very own salad. Which I proceeded to eat with gusto. Yummy!
I'm still not much of a fruit eater, but maybe that's on the way too.
Just goes to show, that sometimes it really is worth trying new things. Yay, me!!
As a child, I absolutely refused all fruits and vegetables, to the point where I would eat pasta with butter rather than have it tainted by pasta sauce, and would eat only white pizza.
Midway through high school I finally tried pizza, and actually liked it - and that was the beginning of a slippery slope towards omnivoriciousness. I gradually added more and more veggies to my repertoire (another big step was the first time I ate broccoli when my mom cooked some after college). I did try a salad once or twice, but really couldn't stand the way I felt I had to chew the lettuce for about half an hour before I could convince it to go down my gullet.
A few weeks ago at a charity dinner hosted by my sister (the kind where a chef comes into your house to prepare a meal), I declined the salad as per my usual procedure. However, when they arrived, Mark's salad actually looked pretty good, so I asked if I could try it. To my utter astonishment, it was actually fabulous! Baby greens with candied walnuts and pine nuts, some kind of cheese I don't remember, and a champagne vinaigrette. Nothing at all like what I always thought a salad was - the romaine lettuce et al. I was no longer a salad virgin!!!
Then this past weekend at a wedding, I did NOT decline the salad, and once again thoroughly enjoyed it.
The piece de resistance? I went shopping a couple of days ago and bought some baby greens, feta cheese and greek vinaigrette. And today, when we had some people over for dinner, made my very own salad. Which I proceeded to eat with gusto. Yummy!
I'm still not much of a fruit eater, but maybe that's on the way too.
Just goes to show, that sometimes it really is worth trying new things. Yay, me!!
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Little bit sad.
I've decided as of this morning that it's time to stop nursing.
I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.
I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.
Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.
On the whole, I find that I now dread nursing a lot of the time, and I dread pumping too. Well, dread may be a bit strong a word, but I definitely approach both with more trepidation than sense of enjoyment. Ant doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.
My head knows that it's okay, and that he'll be just fine if he doesn't get breastmilk until he's a year old, but I'm still a little bit sad about it. I started to write an IM to my sis this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.
I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend! The BJ's brand formula has been recommended to me, so we'll probably go out on Sat and get that.
I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.
I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.
Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.
On the whole, I find that I now dread nursing a lot of the time, and I dread pumping too. Well, dread may be a bit strong a word, but I definitely approach both with more trepidation than sense of enjoyment. Ant doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.
My head knows that it's okay, and that he'll be just fine if he doesn't get breastmilk until he's a year old, but I'm still a little bit sad about it. I started to write an IM to my sis this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.
I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend! The BJ's brand formula has been recommended to me, so we'll probably go out on Sat and get that.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Mommy is a nerd.
I've been meaning for a while to calculate what date Antony would have been outside me for as long as he'd been in - we just missed it, it was this past Sunday, May 20th. Happy 2X birthday, kiddo!
After relaying that info to my mom and sis, my sis said she had been wondering when my niece would be twice as old as Ant.
It took me WAY longer to figure out than it should have (my simple algebra is *pathetic*), but Sami will be twice as old as Ant on July 6th - he'll be 310 days old (which is how old she was when he was born - duh moment when I realized that woudl be an easy way to figure it out!), and she'll be 620.
After relaying that info to my mom and sis, my sis said she had been wondering when my niece would be twice as old as Ant.
It took me WAY longer to figure out than it should have (my simple algebra is *pathetic*), but Sami will be twice as old as Ant on July 6th - he'll be 310 days old (which is how old she was when he was born - duh moment when I realized that woudl be an easy way to figure it out!), and she'll be 620.
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