Major life changes

I've spent a lot of time mulling recently.

After Ant was born I was lucky enough that my boss/company let me work part time, three days a week, until he was about 18 months old. Which meant that between my mom and my in-laws babysitting, we didn't have to put him in daycare until he was about 15 months.

I transitioned back to fulltime in May of last year, which went reasonably well. Ant was still in daycare two days a week, then my mom babysat one other day, and my in-laws the other two. It was nice to get fulltime pay for my recent maternity leave, and I had found that just before I returned to full time that the part time position was getting really stressful because I constantly felt like there were things that I wasn't getting done. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep because I was thinking 'I have to do X, email Y, call Z..."

I didn't want to return to fulltime immediately after my maternity leave with Timmy; not wanting to put him in daycare that young, and also, I quite enjoyed the time I spent with the two boys while I was off. So, I had quite a few vacation days racked up, and used those (plus the holidays) to work just three days a week. Those vacation days would be all used up as of 2/13, so we were getting to decision time.

I realized pretty quickly that I did not want to go back to fulltime. So, I let my boss know that last week. (It felt really good to tell her; I do not like secrets, and felt very guilty for knowing that I didn't want to go back to fulltime but not letting her know). She said that she would see if we could come up with a semi-permanent full time position, that she would talk to the higher ups and get back to me this week.

Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I was really hoping that they would say no to part time. Which really gave me my answer as to what I wanted to do.

So, I gave my notice on Wednesday!

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I wrote that first part about a week ago... I'm finding time to post (or computer time in general) quite lacking what with trying to wrap things up at work, the kids on a completely alternating nap schedule, and weekends full with hockey, playdates, and other activities.

My last day at work is going to be 3/6.

My boss asked me for a list of people I'd like to come to my going away party. I've been at the company for over fifteen years excluding my grad school hiatus, so I know quite a few people. But I'm finding that I'm very ambivalent about inviting lots of people because in a way I'm embarassed that I'm leaving to be a stay at home mom. It's so not the done thing in my field. I find that my expectation is that people will think less of me because of it. Which is really stupid; everyone that I've told so far has been amazingly supportive of my decision, way more so than I ever expected.

I think that those feelings are partly because although I've made and am happy with my decision, I feel in some ways that it's a waste of all my education and purported potential. I finished college in three years, have a PhD from a prestigious university, everyone around me seems to think I'm a very valuable worker and that I'll do great things, and here I am leaving it all behind (although not necessarily for the long term). And then there's the other part of me that has thought for a long time that I've somehow just managed to fool everyone all these years. And now I'm losing track of my point so I'm just going to post this and get some elusive sleep.