Little bit sad.

I've decided as of this morning that it's time to stop nursing.

I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.

I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.

Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.

On the whole, I find that I now dread nursing a lot of the time, and I dread pumping too. Well, dread may be a bit strong a word, but I definitely approach both with more trepidation than sense of enjoyment. Ant doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.

My head knows that it's okay, and that he'll be just fine if he doesn't get breastmilk until he's a year old, but I'm still a little bit sad about it. I started to write an IM to my sis this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.

I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend! The BJ's brand formula has been recommended to me, so we'll probably go out on Sat and get that.