We let Timmy 'cry it out' a couple of weeks ago. It was a really hard night - he had two crying jags that were about 25 minute each, which seemed like an eternity. I lay in bed listening to him through the monitor (I did think about turning it off, but decided that if he was going to go through it I should too). I drove myself a bit crazy imagining what he was saying.
It started with a few nickers, "Mom, my belly's feeling a little empty!"
When I didn't show up he started crying a bit "I'm really pretty hungry, I'd like some food please!"
Previous nights one or the other of us would have gone in by this time, either to bink him or feed him, so it seemed he started realizing that something was wrong. "Mom, mom, mom, where are you? I'm really hungry, please come and feed me? Please???"
The cries then started getting even more strident, "Moooooooooommmmmmmmmmm! I'm hungry and lonely and scared, where are you? Did you forget about me? Where ARE you? You've never left me like this before! MMmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooommmmmmm!"
This was followed by the really piercing screaming, which I'd never even heard before, "I'm all alone now what am I going to do? I'm so sad and lonely, Mommy, Daddy, WHERE ARE YOU??? What have I done to deserve this? Why aren't you coming to get me you've always come before!"
Finally, he managed to calm down, but a couple of minutes later there were a few last cries; the kind you have when you've been sobbing and sobbing about something and you finally get all your crying out, but then think about it all over again and can't help a few last tears. "I was okay, lonely and still scared, but okay, but ooooohhhhhhhhhh, i just realized again that you've left me here all by myself!"
Fortunately it really was just that first night that was so agonizing for both of us, and since then we've had full (mostly) uninterrupted nights of sleep!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Trying to be positive (updated)
On Tonya's recommendation, I have slowly worked my way through 2.5 books in the positive discipline series by Jane Nelsen (Positive Discipline, the first years, the preschool years, and A to Z). I think they have some excellent suggestions, both for me to change myself, and my interactions with Ant (and others too!).
The basic tenet is to be "kind and firm" while parenting. Rather than punishment for "misbehaviour", coming up with logical consequences for actions, and following through with those consequences. An easy example is one I think many of us have used - if your toddler doesn't want to put a coat on, you say fine, and let them experience what outside feels like without that warmth.
I'm trying very hard to follow this model, and really do find that it's working for the most part. Today, however, Ant and I have been majorly at odds. He has decided that it's fun to dump out the recycle bin, which also at the moment contains a bunch of shredded papers. "It's snowing!" he cried in delight as he threw the papers up in the air. I gave a sigh, as I could see where it was headed, but decided that I might as well join in the fun. So we had a grand old time pretending it was snowing, throwing the shredded paper pieces this way and that, piling them on top of each other and pushing them around.
The trouble started when we were finished. I am so tired of cleaning up after everyone in this house, and I have decided that everyone else needs to play their part as well. Yeah. Ant does not like this new plan. I told him it was fine to dump out the snow and play in it, but that when we were finished, we had to tidy it up before we went on to play with anything else. I tried more pretending, "Let's shovel the snow into the bucket". He thought that was a great idea, grabbed a spatula, and shoveled one shovelful into the recycle bin. Then it was more fun to just push the 'snow' around. He also dumped the plastic drawers that have bibs, burp cloths and wash cloths in them. Put that on top of the recycle bin as a "snow separator". "Great", I said, "let's put the snow through the separator!" That also lasted about half a minute, with the majority of the 'snow' remaining on the floor.
I started the dishwasher, which Ant loves to do, but he wouldn't pick up the snow, so I couldn't let him help me. I pulled out the vacuum cleaner, and he was dying to help me with it - but still refused to tidy up. I tried a number of times taking him over to the piles and starting to pick it up myself, to no avail. I started the vacuum cleaner without him which led to wails and cries (and made me teary too!), but still didn't encourage snow removal.
He's currently napping; I put all the stuff into a big pile, and I'm really hoping that when he wakes up we can put it away. At which point the bin will go away so that dumping it again is not an option.
I feel like I can't let this lack of tidying go for too much longer or it's going to become a lifetime habit that I really can't live with. So I'm sticking to my guns. I just hope that I don't shoot myself in the arse with them!
Update: No dice with Ant cleaning up the nice pile of snow. Eventually I got so sick of looking at the stupid stuff I decided I needed a new approach. So I told him that we could trade - I would clean up the snow if he would do another job that needed to be done. He could put the books back on the shelf upstairs or straighten up downstairs. He chose the latter, we went down and he did a nice job of picking things up down there, so I cleaned up the snow. Hoping that wasn't a bad thing to do... I just couldn't take it anymore!
The basic tenet is to be "kind and firm" while parenting. Rather than punishment for "misbehaviour", coming up with logical consequences for actions, and following through with those consequences. An easy example is one I think many of us have used - if your toddler doesn't want to put a coat on, you say fine, and let them experience what outside feels like without that warmth.
I'm trying very hard to follow this model, and really do find that it's working for the most part. Today, however, Ant and I have been majorly at odds. He has decided that it's fun to dump out the recycle bin, which also at the moment contains a bunch of shredded papers. "It's snowing!" he cried in delight as he threw the papers up in the air. I gave a sigh, as I could see where it was headed, but decided that I might as well join in the fun. So we had a grand old time pretending it was snowing, throwing the shredded paper pieces this way and that, piling them on top of each other and pushing them around.
The trouble started when we were finished. I am so tired of cleaning up after everyone in this house, and I have decided that everyone else needs to play their part as well. Yeah. Ant does not like this new plan. I told him it was fine to dump out the snow and play in it, but that when we were finished, we had to tidy it up before we went on to play with anything else. I tried more pretending, "Let's shovel the snow into the bucket". He thought that was a great idea, grabbed a spatula, and shoveled one shovelful into the recycle bin. Then it was more fun to just push the 'snow' around. He also dumped the plastic drawers that have bibs, burp cloths and wash cloths in them. Put that on top of the recycle bin as a "snow separator". "Great", I said, "let's put the snow through the separator!" That also lasted about half a minute, with the majority of the 'snow' remaining on the floor.
I started the dishwasher, which Ant loves to do, but he wouldn't pick up the snow, so I couldn't let him help me. I pulled out the vacuum cleaner, and he was dying to help me with it - but still refused to tidy up. I tried a number of times taking him over to the piles and starting to pick it up myself, to no avail. I started the vacuum cleaner without him which led to wails and cries (and made me teary too!), but still didn't encourage snow removal.
He's currently napping; I put all the stuff into a big pile, and I'm really hoping that when he wakes up we can put it away. At which point the bin will go away so that dumping it again is not an option.
I feel like I can't let this lack of tidying go for too much longer or it's going to become a lifetime habit that I really can't live with. So I'm sticking to my guns. I just hope that I don't shoot myself in the arse with them!
Update: No dice with Ant cleaning up the nice pile of snow. Eventually I got so sick of looking at the stupid stuff I decided I needed a new approach. So I told him that we could trade - I would clean up the snow if he would do another job that needed to be done. He could put the books back on the shelf upstairs or straighten up downstairs. He chose the latter, we went down and he did a nice job of picking things up down there, so I cleaned up the snow. Hoping that wasn't a bad thing to do... I just couldn't take it anymore!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Major life changes
I've spent a lot of time mulling recently.
After Ant was born I was lucky enough that my boss/company let me work part time, three days a week, until he was about 18 months old. Which meant that between my mom and my in-laws babysitting, we didn't have to put him in daycare until he was about 15 months.
I transitioned back to fulltime in May of last year, which went reasonably well. Ant was still in daycare two days a week, then my mom babysat one other day, and my in-laws the other two. It was nice to get fulltime pay for my recent maternity leave, and I had found that just before I returned to full time that the part time position was getting really stressful because I constantly felt like there were things that I wasn't getting done. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep because I was thinking 'I have to do X, email Y, call Z..."
I didn't want to return to fulltime immediately after my maternity leave with Timmy; not wanting to put him in daycare that young, and also, I quite enjoyed the time I spent with the two boys while I was off. So, I had quite a few vacation days racked up, and used those (plus the holidays) to work just three days a week. Those vacation days would be all used up as of 2/13, so we were getting to decision time.
I realized pretty quickly that I did not want to go back to fulltime. So, I let my boss know that last week. (It felt really good to tell her; I do not like secrets, and felt very guilty for knowing that I didn't want to go back to fulltime but not letting her know). She said that she would see if we could come up with a semi-permanent full time position, that she would talk to the higher ups and get back to me this week.
Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I was really hoping that they would say no to part time. Which really gave me my answer as to what I wanted to do.
So, I gave my notice on Wednesday!
***********************************
I wrote that first part about a week ago... I'm finding time to post (or computer time in general) quite lacking what with trying to wrap things up at work, the kids on a completely alternating nap schedule, and weekends full with hockey, playdates, and other activities.
My last day at work is going to be 3/6.
My boss asked me for a list of people I'd like to come to my going away party. I've been at the company for over fifteen years excluding my grad school hiatus, so I know quite a few people. But I'm finding that I'm very ambivalent about inviting lots of people because in a way I'm embarassed that I'm leaving to be a stay at home mom. It's so not the done thing in my field. I find that my expectation is that people will think less of me because of it. Which is really stupid; everyone that I've told so far has been amazingly supportive of my decision, way more so than I ever expected.
I think that those feelings are partly because although I've made and am happy with my decision, I feel in some ways that it's a waste of all my education and purported potential. I finished college in three years, have a PhD from a prestigious university, everyone around me seems to think I'm a very valuable worker and that I'll do great things, and here I am leaving it all behind (although not necessarily for the long term). And then there's the other part of me that has thought for a long time that I've somehow just managed to fool everyone all these years. And now I'm losing track of my point so I'm just going to post this and get some elusive sleep.
After Ant was born I was lucky enough that my boss/company let me work part time, three days a week, until he was about 18 months old. Which meant that between my mom and my in-laws babysitting, we didn't have to put him in daycare until he was about 15 months.
I transitioned back to fulltime in May of last year, which went reasonably well. Ant was still in daycare two days a week, then my mom babysat one other day, and my in-laws the other two. It was nice to get fulltime pay for my recent maternity leave, and I had found that just before I returned to full time that the part time position was getting really stressful because I constantly felt like there were things that I wasn't getting done. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep because I was thinking 'I have to do X, email Y, call Z..."
I didn't want to return to fulltime immediately after my maternity leave with Timmy; not wanting to put him in daycare that young, and also, I quite enjoyed the time I spent with the two boys while I was off. So, I had quite a few vacation days racked up, and used those (plus the holidays) to work just three days a week. Those vacation days would be all used up as of 2/13, so we were getting to decision time.
I realized pretty quickly that I did not want to go back to fulltime. So, I let my boss know that last week. (It felt really good to tell her; I do not like secrets, and felt very guilty for knowing that I didn't want to go back to fulltime but not letting her know). She said that she would see if we could come up with a semi-permanent full time position, that she would talk to the higher ups and get back to me this week.
Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I was really hoping that they would say no to part time. Which really gave me my answer as to what I wanted to do.
So, I gave my notice on Wednesday!
***********************************
I wrote that first part about a week ago... I'm finding time to post (or computer time in general) quite lacking what with trying to wrap things up at work, the kids on a completely alternating nap schedule, and weekends full with hockey, playdates, and other activities.
My last day at work is going to be 3/6.
My boss asked me for a list of people I'd like to come to my going away party. I've been at the company for over fifteen years excluding my grad school hiatus, so I know quite a few people. But I'm finding that I'm very ambivalent about inviting lots of people because in a way I'm embarassed that I'm leaving to be a stay at home mom. It's so not the done thing in my field. I find that my expectation is that people will think less of me because of it. Which is really stupid; everyone that I've told so far has been amazingly supportive of my decision, way more so than I ever expected.
I think that those feelings are partly because although I've made and am happy with my decision, I feel in some ways that it's a waste of all my education and purported potential. I finished college in three years, have a PhD from a prestigious university, everyone around me seems to think I'm a very valuable worker and that I'll do great things, and here I am leaving it all behind (although not necessarily for the long term). And then there's the other part of me that has thought for a long time that I've somehow just managed to fool everyone all these years. And now I'm losing track of my point so I'm just going to post this and get some elusive sleep.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Is it over yet?
Fun filled day today:
4am - Ant starts crying, gets up out of his big boy bed (HE made the transition about a week ago; asked to sleep on the queen sized bed in his room and so far has been pretty good about staying there with the threat of going back into his crib if he gets up). Mark goes in to comfort him and ends up sleeping in the bed with him.
6:15am - I wake up when the alarm goes off to find that Mark isn't there. I go into Ant's room to wake Mark up - no Ant, and no Mark. ??? Okay, maybe they went downstairs and are on the couch? Check downstairs, no sign of them. Back upstairs, look in Ant's room again, nope they're not there. Maybe Timmy's room? Nope. Ohhhhhkaaaaay. Maybe they really are downstairs and I just didn't see them? Check in the living room again, including the corner where they might be on the blanket. No. Basement? Probably not because it's cold down there. Okay, not there either. One more iteration - check in MY room because I'm starting to think I'm crazy - no. Not in Ant's room, nor Timmy's, nor downstairs, nor in the basement. Did they take the car somewhere? Nope, that's still in the garage. Now I really am going crazy. I knew it was unlikely, but the thought crossed my mind that they had been kidnapped somehow? Go to Ant's room one more time - there they are! Ant was camoflaged by his blanket, and Mark by the black comforter where he looked like a much smaller lump than I ever would have imagined. Whew!
7:45am - off to work.
3pm - meeting with my boss. Tell her that I don't want to go back to full time (I'm currently working three days a week by using my vacation time). She isn't as upset as I've imagined she'll be, says she'll see if it's possible for me to continue to work part time and will let me know. All in all a much better conversation that I had anticipated, and a big weight off my mind as I had been feeling like I was lying to her knowing that I didn't want to come back to full time but not letting on yet.
4:45pm - arrive back at home. Check the mail. Find that our estimated tax payment did not get picked up AGAIN! I had put it out for the mailman yesterday along with another letter - the other got taken yesterday, but of course, not the one to the IRS that HAD to get mailed. And today we didn't get any mail, and he ignored the flag. Crap!
8pm - kids down in bed, grab some supper and head out A) to return some clothes from Xmas / after sales that don't fit, and B) go to the South Station post office to mail the payment to the IRS. Use my GPS and miss the exit I'm supposed to take, so it ends up taking me about five minutes longer to get to the store than it should.
8:40pm - go to park in the garage at the Pru - $9 for 0-1 hour, and decide there is NO WAY I'm paying that much to park for 20 minutes. Drive around to find a parking space.
8:45pm - find the space, turn the car off, and go to get the stuff I want to return out of the shopping bag. Only to realize that I left one of the two shirts at home. Sigh. Off to the post office.
9:14pm - done at the post office, IRS letter duly postmarked. Turn on GPS to get back home. It doesn't tell me in time that I'm looking for a right exit to the Mass Pike; instead I get on 93 South because I can't remember if I need to do that or not. NOT would be the appropriate answer. More detours. Sigh.
9:20pm - Get off on the Mass Ave exit heading to Storrow Drive. Find that the exit I need to take to Storrow is closed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? AND, my phone / gps is now dead.
9:30pm - Decide to take Mem Drive. Oooooh, there's a starbuck right there and I've been craving a frappucino, which I decide to treat myself to given the snafus of the evening.
9:32pm - Pull into the Starbucks parking lot to find that, jokes on me, it closed at 9:30. At this point I have to start laughing.
9:48pm - Woo-hoo the Starbucks on my way home is still open, much to my surprise. Head on in and ask if their frappucino machine is still on. Guy says, "Why wouldn't it be?" to which I respond, "Because that's the way my night is going!". He's a total sweetheart and gives me a free taste of their hot chocolate with salt and caramel (YUMMMMMMM), in addition to supersizing my frappucino.
10pm - the end. I hope!
4am - Ant starts crying, gets up out of his big boy bed (HE made the transition about a week ago; asked to sleep on the queen sized bed in his room and so far has been pretty good about staying there with the threat of going back into his crib if he gets up). Mark goes in to comfort him and ends up sleeping in the bed with him.
6:15am - I wake up when the alarm goes off to find that Mark isn't there. I go into Ant's room to wake Mark up - no Ant, and no Mark. ??? Okay, maybe they went downstairs and are on the couch? Check downstairs, no sign of them. Back upstairs, look in Ant's room again, nope they're not there. Maybe Timmy's room? Nope. Ohhhhhkaaaaay. Maybe they really are downstairs and I just didn't see them? Check in the living room again, including the corner where they might be on the blanket. No. Basement? Probably not because it's cold down there. Okay, not there either. One more iteration - check in MY room because I'm starting to think I'm crazy - no. Not in Ant's room, nor Timmy's, nor downstairs, nor in the basement. Did they take the car somewhere? Nope, that's still in the garage. Now I really am going crazy. I knew it was unlikely, but the thought crossed my mind that they had been kidnapped somehow? Go to Ant's room one more time - there they are! Ant was camoflaged by his blanket, and Mark by the black comforter where he looked like a much smaller lump than I ever would have imagined. Whew!
7:45am - off to work.
3pm - meeting with my boss. Tell her that I don't want to go back to full time (I'm currently working three days a week by using my vacation time). She isn't as upset as I've imagined she'll be, says she'll see if it's possible for me to continue to work part time and will let me know. All in all a much better conversation that I had anticipated, and a big weight off my mind as I had been feeling like I was lying to her knowing that I didn't want to come back to full time but not letting on yet.
4:45pm - arrive back at home. Check the mail. Find that our estimated tax payment did not get picked up AGAIN! I had put it out for the mailman yesterday along with another letter - the other got taken yesterday, but of course, not the one to the IRS that HAD to get mailed. And today we didn't get any mail, and he ignored the flag. Crap!
8pm - kids down in bed, grab some supper and head out A) to return some clothes from Xmas / after sales that don't fit, and B) go to the South Station post office to mail the payment to the IRS. Use my GPS and miss the exit I'm supposed to take, so it ends up taking me about five minutes longer to get to the store than it should.
8:40pm - go to park in the garage at the Pru - $9 for 0-1 hour, and decide there is NO WAY I'm paying that much to park for 20 minutes. Drive around to find a parking space.
8:45pm - find the space, turn the car off, and go to get the stuff I want to return out of the shopping bag. Only to realize that I left one of the two shirts at home. Sigh. Off to the post office.
9:14pm - done at the post office, IRS letter duly postmarked. Turn on GPS to get back home. It doesn't tell me in time that I'm looking for a right exit to the Mass Pike; instead I get on 93 South because I can't remember if I need to do that or not. NOT would be the appropriate answer. More detours. Sigh.
9:20pm - Get off on the Mass Ave exit heading to Storrow Drive. Find that the exit I need to take to Storrow is closed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? AND, my phone / gps is now dead.
9:30pm - Decide to take Mem Drive. Oooooh, there's a starbuck right there and I've been craving a frappucino, which I decide to treat myself to given the snafus of the evening.
9:32pm - Pull into the Starbucks parking lot to find that, jokes on me, it closed at 9:30. At this point I have to start laughing.
9:48pm - Woo-hoo the Starbucks on my way home is still open, much to my surprise. Head on in and ask if their frappucino machine is still on. Guy says, "Why wouldn't it be?" to which I respond, "Because that's the way my night is going!". He's a total sweetheart and gives me a free taste of their hot chocolate with salt and caramel (YUMMMMMMM), in addition to supersizing my frappucino.
10pm - the end. I hope!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Appreciate Schmappreciate
Despite my best intentions, the plastic jungle seems to get away from me on a regular basis, and there is just kid stuff *everywhere*.
I feel like I had many many fewer toys when I was growing up - and consequently that I appreciated them so much more. Of course I don't remember being two. But I do remember some of the toys that I coveted, and how much I enjoyed them when I finally did get them.
The one I remember most of all is a toy cash register. It didn't talk, it didn't have bells and whistles, it just had coins and paper money that could go in the till, buttons to push (no calculator), and a till that one could open up. I wanted it SO badly, and remember asking for it for quite a long time, until one special day (I don't remember if it was Christmas or birthday), it finally arrived. My sister and I played shop with it all the time, in one of our other favorite toys, a "log cabin" type building - similar to the little tikes houses, although it really did come as log-like pieces that we had to put together. Other favorites included tea sets, and of course, my favorite doll, which my mom and then I would make outfits for. (I longed for a cabbage patch doll as well, but never got one.)
We are relatively well off; certainly more so than my parents were at this stage in their lives - we can afford to buy just about anything for our kids that they might need or want. In some ways I think that's bad though - if we buy things for them as soon as they express interest, or even before that, how will they learn about delayed gratification? That they aren't always going to get everything they want (like my cabbage patch)? How will they learn to appreciate what they do have? If Christmas and their birthdays are always extravaganzas of presents (not necessarily from us), how do we teach them to be thankful? To enjoy their new toys rather than playing with them for five minutes and turning to something else?
I would love to hear if this is something that you think about too, and if you've come up with any strategies for dealing with it.
I feel like I had many many fewer toys when I was growing up - and consequently that I appreciated them so much more. Of course I don't remember being two. But I do remember some of the toys that I coveted, and how much I enjoyed them when I finally did get them.
The one I remember most of all is a toy cash register. It didn't talk, it didn't have bells and whistles, it just had coins and paper money that could go in the till, buttons to push (no calculator), and a till that one could open up. I wanted it SO badly, and remember asking for it for quite a long time, until one special day (I don't remember if it was Christmas or birthday), it finally arrived. My sister and I played shop with it all the time, in one of our other favorite toys, a "log cabin" type building - similar to the little tikes houses, although it really did come as log-like pieces that we had to put together. Other favorites included tea sets, and of course, my favorite doll, which my mom and then I would make outfits for. (I longed for a cabbage patch doll as well, but never got one.)
We are relatively well off; certainly more so than my parents were at this stage in their lives - we can afford to buy just about anything for our kids that they might need or want. In some ways I think that's bad though - if we buy things for them as soon as they express interest, or even before that, how will they learn about delayed gratification? That they aren't always going to get everything they want (like my cabbage patch)? How will they learn to appreciate what they do have? If Christmas and their birthdays are always extravaganzas of presents (not necessarily from us), how do we teach them to be thankful? To enjoy their new toys rather than playing with them for five minutes and turning to something else?
I would love to hear if this is something that you think about too, and if you've come up with any strategies for dealing with it.
The toddler, the infant, and the trip downstairs
When I'm trying to get us ready to go out somewhere, I often find myself thinking of the old riddle of how you get a hen, cat, and corn across the river when you can only take one at a time. The hen will eat the corn, the cat will eat the hen... so how do you do it?
Except in this case you're trying to get two kids and a bunch of stuff downstairs and into the car to go out. You can't leave the toddler with the infant while putting stuff in the car because although the elder is very sweet with the younger, you just never know (like when he tried to turn the car seat over with the younger one inside).
And you can't leave the elder inside while you put the infant in the car, because you can come back to find him splashing happily in the toilet with the toilet brush; taking his milk out of the refrigerator, "Mommy, I got the cap off"; or scribbling happily on the floor.
The solution, of course, is to put the elder in the car first so he's strapped down, then deal with putting the accoutrements and infant in the car after that - but it did take me a while to come to that!
Except in this case you're trying to get two kids and a bunch of stuff downstairs and into the car to go out. You can't leave the toddler with the infant while putting stuff in the car because although the elder is very sweet with the younger, you just never know (like when he tried to turn the car seat over with the younger one inside).
And you can't leave the elder inside while you put the infant in the car, because you can come back to find him splashing happily in the toilet with the toilet brush; taking his milk out of the refrigerator, "Mommy, I got the cap off"; or scribbling happily on the floor.
The solution, of course, is to put the elder in the car first so he's strapped down, then deal with putting the accoutrements and infant in the car after that - but it did take me a while to come to that!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Interaction
Ant was upstairs in the hallway to Timmy's room the other night, throwing the balls from the ball popper against the wall, so they'd either come back and hit him, or fly past him. He was having a grand old time of it. I was holding Timmy, and brought him over so I could keep an eye on Ant. Timmy was keeping an eye on him too, because he totally started cracking up. Each time Ant would throw the ball, Timmy would let loose with a lovely giggle. He's been laughing for a while, but this was the first time he laughed when we weren't deliberately trying to get him to.
And I'm SO looking forward to more interactions like this!
And I'm SO looking forward to more interactions like this!
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